By Stephen Leach, who is on Twitter @SirTerenceBoot, our guest blogger, who shares his thoughts on current Coronation Street.
Must we go through this routine every single time? Must every character who goes on hiatus return with a horrible secret? Case in point, Nick Tilsley. Would it really have been so bad for him to truthfully say “Yeah, I took a year out. Did some yoga, read some novels, rested, learned how to make a truly excellent plum duff.” Instead, we have his tedious secret wife, a character who interests me so little I’m actively trying not to remember her name. It’s a funny thing, Nick and Leanne: the whole really is more than the sum of its parts. I’m not fond of either of them, but I like them together, and can’t stand it when they’re with anyone else.
It’s strange that Leanne and Michelle aren’t better friends. For one thing, they’re both so judgemental. Take Michelle's reaction to learning that Ali, a doctor, would attempt to help a dying man: furious condemnation and attempting to pre-emptively blame him for the death of his... er... step-brother, is it? (So confusing, there being two of them nowadays.) Even when she found out that he actually murdered the guy instead, she went off on an even bigger one. (Okay, that might have been justified.) I quite like DS MacKinnon, though; they should make her a regular member of the cast. She could give up her job as a detective and eat biscuits in the cab office with Steve, Tim, and Eileen, who seems to have been downgraded to a recurring guest-star these days. There, I said it: I miss Eileen Grimshaw.
It's only now that Ali's turned into a murderer that I realise who he reminds me of: John Stape (remember him?). Should Corrie do the whole Harold Shipman thing? I don’t know, could be quite near the knuckle. But it’d be worth it if he could bump off a few of the more annoying Street residents. Sophie, ideally. Christ, but she’s awful. It was her idea to jeopardise Sally’s trial, but god forbid she admit fault. No, pin the blame on Gina instead for… telling the truth in court (utterly despicable behaviour). There’s probably some sort of Freudian case study to be written about how she prefers older women yet possesses the emotional intelligence of a five year-old.
Anyway, Gina could have provided an Oscar-worthy defence and it wouldn’t have mattered. Just like with weddings, there’s a golden rule in soaps that Trials Shall Go Badly. Of course Sally got found guilty: did anyone really expect anything different? This is just like the time I found my dog sat next to a steaming pile of poo. And then later found out that it was actually the cat that did it.
And then there’s Kate and Rana, who I didn’t think I could find any more insufferable, but clearly I need to lower my expectations. Is this actually happening? Are Kate and Robert actually going to conceive a child in secret? The very thought is nauseating. (Mind you, not quite as nauseating as the thought of Kate asking Steve to donate some of his bionic sperm – Leanne’s words, not mine.) Well done Rana for actually having the nads to tell Kate she was having second thoughts on having a child; I was expecting her to wait until Kate was five or six months up the duff and Johnny had re-mortgaged the Rovers to pay for IVF.
Thank god for Jenny Bradley, the only character in the entire show to treat her marriage like an adult. Mostly. I mean, who hasn’t bugged a love rival’s phone at some point? But I love when Jenny gets slightly devious. Or drunk. I just love Jenny Bradley. It’s always good to see more of Amy, too, so I was actually quite enjoying the whole story about the contract she enforced to make Steve and Tracy act like responsible parents. The only good other thing to come out of their wedding day was Tracy’s impersonation of Sinead (sodding hilarious – I’ve bookmarked the clip for cheering-up purposes).
I think there’s only one woman who could handle being married to Steve, and that’s one who’s been married an equal amount of times: Gail Platt. No, I’m serious. Steve and Gail. I think it could work. And just imagine the potential hilarity of Steve being David, Sarah, and Nick’s step-dad if they did get together. At the very least I want a scene of the pair of them in the pub, staring morosely into their drinks and trying to work out why neither of them can make a marriage last (“What’s wrong with us, eh, Gail?”). I’m happy to have their torrid affair be mostly off-screen though. There’s only so much horror a man can take.
By Stephen Leach, who is on Twitter @SirTerenceBoot, our guest blogger, who shares his thoughts on current Coronation Street.
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Great post - thanks!
ReplyDeleteVery enjoyable read, quite actually better than the show, thank you.
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