Coronation Street Blog: Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Parents deserve our eternal respect. I don't have children. I've always imagined it must be tremendously rewarding and soul-enriching. I don't think I ever realised what hard work it was until this week's Corrie. Yes, it might be wonderful to gaze into the eyes of your devoted progeny and care for them until adulthood, but you also have to put up with the school nativity. The eternal love of the fruit of your loins might seem inadequate once you've had to sit through two hours of the Birth of Christ in rap form, written by a doughy middle aged white man who thinks "gangsta" means putting on a fedora and breaking out the tommy guns. Instead of drowning her sorrows, Rana should just invite Kate to Brian's magnum opus; once she's endured a group of seven year olds in tea towel headdresses trying to squeeze "frankincense" into a rhythm and doing hip-hop hand gestures over a Tiny Tears in a manger she'll go right off the idea of being a mum. In fact she might sew her legs together just to be safe.

Knit one, change one. It's hard to remember a time when the Battersby girls were noisy slappers causing chaos in the Street. They're both so genteel and refined these days. Leanne was snacking on crudities this week, for heaven's sake. Meanwhile Toyah and her vegan buddies have a sideline in yarnbombing; knitting coverings for trees and lampposts to cheer up backstreets. Who'd have looked at that gobby trollop caterwauling in the middle of the Street with her awful family back at the turn of the century and imagined that one day she'd be sitting around in a meat free environment darning socks for sycamores? As for the results of their endeavours...

Me too, Kirky. Me too.

Nicky Tilsley is a filthy liar. This week, as part of his "getting to know you" session with Imran, Nicky claimed that his all-time favourite film was Fast and Furious Five. This is absolutely not true. Nicky Tilsley would not enjoy a film where a multi-ethnic gang of charming thieves battle The Rock in a stunt filled tongue in cheek caper. He's just not that interesting. Nicky Tilsley is white bread, is bland, is mainstream. Nicky Tilsley would like Jim Carrey films (but not Eternal Sunshine, because he found it "weird"). Nicky Tilsley liked Tarantino until he started doing period movies. Nicky Tilsley is an admirer of the oeuvre of Adam Sandler. Nicky Tilsley thinks Die Hard is a Christmas film, and thinks he's incredibly original for having this thought. Nicky Tilsley is too dull to like Fast and the Furious films. Also it's called Fast Five.

She'll get you, and your little dog too. Did anyone else see this shot and immediately think of that witch who gets a house dropped on her head in The Wizard of Oz? Those ruby slippers should've magically transferred to Eileen's feet, though I can't imagine anyone except Liz could wear those vertiginous heels without breaking an ankle. They agreed to put hos before bros and head off on their holiday as single ladies, which sadly meant the end of her romance with Mick from Brookside and his Billy Joel collection. Come back soon, Mick from Brookside, and have a third go at Liz; your effortless charm and sparkle were most welcome, and it'll save her from all the other terrible romantic prospects on the Street.

She was giving Evil Phil the eye in the pub, and she can definitely do better than him.

Enjoy the fringe benefits. Michelle's had her hair done! This was probably at the insistence of the producers, who realised that every time she and Carla had a chat their similarly styled shiny tresses made it hard to tell them apart. Now the fringe will let us know that we're watching Michelle. Well, that and the sun shining out of her backside.

@merseytart is hoping the storylines pick up at Christmas because this week was dull as tar.