Coronation Street Episode Review Monday 17th December

It was 17th December, babe, and in the Rovers, an old man said to Jen: "I'm off t'brewery." And Jen sang a song: "Where is Liz, the moo?" She turned her head away and started stalking you. Jen got on a lucky one, by marrying Jon, but she has a feeling this year's been a pile of poo. So Happy Christmas, she loves him dearly, she can see a better time, with Liz in concrete boots (stilettos?).

The first rule of Jenny Bradley is that you do not cross Jenny Bradley. The second rule of Jenny Bradley is - well, you get the picture. Liz inveigles Johnny into taking her to the police station as Jim and Hannah have been nicked. Unfortunately, this coincides with Johnny going out and Jenny puts two and two together and makes four hundred and seventeen. To make it worse, Johnny lies to Jenny about giving Liz a lift and they scream: "You scumbag!" "You maggot!" at each other. Well, not quite - Jenny runs off to a hotel room alone and sinks minibar vodka. The lift was all for nowt anyway, as Jim and Hannah haven't confessed and Liz gave them the money voluntarily so there's nothing the feds can do.

Kate's handsome, Rana's pretty, lying is quite shitty, they row about babies, then have a big fight. Bizarrely wearing the same blouse as Elton John in that John Lewis ad, Kate storms out and then tries to manipulate Michelle into not pushing out another kid at her age. Her next plan is to seduce a loose-trousered Adam over the bottle of whisky that all office workers of Coronation Street keep in their filing cabinets. She's a real gone kid! Unfortunately for Kate, the only person to practice safe sex in Weatherfield gets out a condom and figures Kate's motives when she tells him not to use it. Kate has a rare moment of self-awareness/self-pity and confesses to putative baby-daddy Robert that she's a terrible person. In tears, she and Rana make up but unforch, Handsome Imran spotted the Adam malarkey and tells Alya, who spills the beans to Rana, who tells Princess Kate to get lost.

Roy's got a car big as the Rover's bar, Evelyn is quite bold. But the wind goes right through them, sleeping in car's not for the old. Evelyn and Roy are caught in the Morris traveller by a policeman who misunderstands all of Evelyn's double entendres. "I only need him for his Woody," she tells PC Plod before inviting him to join in. An October to December romance between Roy and Evelyn would be kind of brilliant, wouldn't it? They get released with a warning and go out again, somewhat surprisingly finding Cerberus/Barney, but his new owner doesn't believe this shaggy dog story. The paw patrol stalk Mr Barney and Evelyn tries to persuade Roy to give her her a leg up so she can climb over the dog-owner's fence, which sounds like the start of a Casualty episode, but the police turn up, inc. PC Plod from earlier, and they don't take Evelyn's side.

A cabal of oldsters is off to Archie Shuttleworth's funeral. It's at times like these (funerals) that I really miss Blanche. Archie has left a brass monkey to Ken and £80,000 to Audrey. Lewis's eyes light up like rivers of gold and he starts talking about his pal who can make a sound financial investments for Mrs Roberts. He's a bum! He's a punk!

And the boys (and girls) of Bessie Street nativity choir are singing 'bout Christmas Day, but, a stressed Brian snaps at lickle Jack, who lest we forget, is already Weatherfield's answer to Vanilla Ice. But he later helps young master Webster learn his lines for the panto, showing how brilliant Brian is with kids, something even David Platt admits. And the bells are ringing out 'til Wednesday!

 Rachel Stevenson - on twitter

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