Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Ken Barlow remains the absolute worst.  It says so much about Ken's decades of self-centred self-righteousness that the show was able to craft a half hour episode that was just his relatives talking about how awful he is.  It wasn't even every Barlow available: I'm sure Tracy would've had plenty to contribute, not to mention Adam, Simon, Amy, and long-lost homophobic son Linus Roache.  Hell, it was almost Hallowe'en - whip out a Ouija board and see if Susan had anything to add.  Even when he looked at a picture of him with Deirdre, the closest thing Ken has to a love of his life (apart from himself, of course), it was a picture from the ill-fated first marriage - the one he wrecked by diddling Wendy flamin' Crozier.  Still, it meant a lot of references to the past - Val! Ken sending the twins off to Scotland so they could come back after twenty years without so much as a Scottish accent! - which are always pleasing, and it was good to see Daniel and Peter getting along.

It even caused Peter to reflect on his chequered past, and he revealed that he still has a picture of Twist from Spaced Lucy Barlow in his wallet.  Of course it's one of those fold out wallets, and if he let it drop it would reveal pictures of all his other wives - Jessica, Shelley, Leanne and Carla - and it'd drag three feet along the cobbles behind him.

History is cyclical.  This week Jenny Bradley acquired a comfy stool in the corner of the bar area so she could survey her empire.  Hmmm... a proud landlady who's been through the wringer and back, cross legged at the back of the Rovers while her older, somewhat henpecked husband looks on?  Reminds me of something...

I'm crossing all my fingers that Jenny will start wearing Bet's old wigs as well.

Cancer is terrible, but also, handy.  Sinead was barely out of hospital, simpering on the sofa and wanting to watch films about loveable dogs (how old is she again?) before Daniel started using her illness to get freebies.  He sallied along to the kebab shop and played on Chesney's emotions to get burger and chips on the house, then the next day used Sinead's sickness to get Kate to take over his shift.  Expect a lot of that over the next few months.  "Oh, I'd love to help you move house, but my wife has cancer."  "Yes I could do some shopping, but my wife has cancer."  Incidentally, why would he go to Prima Doner and have burger and chips?  Surely if he was there he'd much prefer a nice kebab.

Ah.  Fair enough. 

Underworld is less a factory, more a drop in centre.  Carla needs to fit a decent security door at the front of the unit because it's constantly being filled with interlopers.  Daniel wanders in to bring Sinead her lunch...

...Gary gets up with the lark so he can have a spot of desk-based nookie before work...

...and Nicky Tilsley nips in just for a chat with his sister, preventing her from doing anything useful (if Sarah-Lou ever does anything useful, of course).  It gets more passing trade than Roy's.  No wonder it's always on the verge of bankruptcy - there isn't time to stitch knickers when you're in the middle of a coffee morning.  Mind you, Nicky actually has a reason to be there now he's bought Peter's share in Underworld.

See?  If Carla had put a proper lock on the entrance - perhaps something with a key code - then Nicky wouldn't have been able to intrude on her white hot chemistry with Mr Barlow.  They probably would've resolved everything with a torrid sex session up against the filing cabinet, instead of having Tilsley come in and smother their flames with his moist fire blanket of a personality.

There's such a thing as fish that's too fishy.  I wouldn't have put Tim down as a fussy eater, but he turned his nose up at a tuna sandwich because it was "too fishy".  This does of course raise the question: what fish isn't too fishy?  Salmon?  Eels?  Nemo?  You might think his subsequent declaration that having two bananas in one day would be "weird" as further proof of his odd eating habits, but that one's just sensible.  Never forget that Peter Andre was once hospitalised with a potassium overdose after eating too many bananas.  It's best to limit yourself to just one banana a day, to be safe, and replace any cravings for more with something healthier, like a pint of bitter or a nice ciggy.

The author spent much of Friday's episodes confused about Robert's shock that Ali was a killer, because he thought Michelle grassed her son up weeks ago.  Or it may just be that this storyline has gone on for so long it's starting to echo round in @merseytart's head on a permanent loop and Michelle sobbing will be burned on the inside of his eyeballs until he welcomes the sweet release of death.

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