Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Family reunions are always a joy.  Martin's back!  Yay!  Even if it was only a flying visit, it was great to see Platt Senior back on the Street.  It's especially good because he's also appearing Classic Corrie on ITV3, complaining about having no money while downing fourteen pints a day, so we were able to compare and contrast.  Sean Wilson's aged remarkably well - cheese must do a man good - and seeing him back in number eight was lovely.  Martin thought David coming to live with him in New Zealand was a great idea as he'd "love to see the grandkids growing up."  This came as news to the rest of the family given that he's not bothered visiting them at any point in the last decade.  It should also be noted that after a day with said grandkids he changed his mind and told David to stay in Manchester.  Hopefully Martin will be back for more, though he should probably bring his wife with him next time, as Gail looked distinctly twinkly down the end of the bar.  She's not had a wedding since 2015 and she'll be getting antsy. 

Mess with Carla at your peril.  Half a dozen teenage thugs versus Ms Connor?  They didn't stand a chance, as she batted back their threats with a few well-placed insults.  Simon intervened in the end purely to save his mates from humiliation when she clipped their ears and knocked them off their bikes.  Although given her recent dalliances with Daniel and Ali, perhaps he was just worried the whiff of young flesh might get her in Mrs Robinson mode again.  She rewarded him with a job at the factory after he demonstrated his crack IT knowledge by clicking the mouse a couple of times; with computer skills like that he's clearly the new Steve Jobs.  Simon used to be such a lovely little boy - I'm not sure when he turned into this devil spawn.  I suppose a Satanic period is a rite of passage for all the Street's children, even the ones who seem innocent enough right now.  Summer's probably using her New Scientist subscription to learn how to make biological weapons, and when did we last see Aadi?  Asha will have him trussed up in the attic somewhere, only keeping him alive in case she needs an organ transplant someday.  With any luck Simon will soon be out of this tearaway phase, not least because Corrie is always introducing gangs of teenage thugs and they are always about as threatening as day-old tapioca. 

Kids love a backstreet boozer.  Can you imagine a less child-friendly pub than the Rovers?  It's got no garden, no space to move about, and there's a fight in there at least once a fortnight.  Even flat-roofed pubs on sink estates usually have a car park and a swing.  Plus the family behind the bar are so mixed up they'd leave the producers of Who Do You Think You Are? scratching their head: the landlord's partner is the step-sister of the adoptive mother of his son.  And that's before you add in Eva (half-sister having a baby for the step-sister) and Oliver (whose half-sister is the landlord's niece).  Henry Newton seemed to be under the impression that this crypto-incestuous bag of Battersbys and Barlows were somehow the ideal face for the brewery's push into the yummy mummy market.  Still, they had an ancient copy of Operation and a vegetarian option on the kids menu so bring the little ones along! 

Audrey is taking your requests.  The fragrant Mrs Roberts turned out to be surprisingly adept behind the mixing desk, juggling dedications and engaging in a bit of Top Radio Patter.  She also managed to slip in some light flirtation with Tim's dad, because Audrey just can't help herself; stick her in a room with a middle-aged man and she's soon batting her eyelids and bringing him under her spell.  I was unsurprised to see her play Like a Virgin - she's a long established fan of Madonna, as can be seen in this astonishing video unearthed earlier this week by Twitter user @thecyberdevil:

If you're unable to watch it - or couldn't last more than five seconds before your eyes started bleeding - yes, that is Audrey Roberts and Phyllis Pearce providing backing vocals while Cheryl Baker dances to Material Girl with Curly Watts.  It is quite astonishing, and I've been watching it on a loop for the past twenty four hours.  Hopefully this is the start of a new career in DJ-ing for Audrey, and soon she'll be wrecking the decks at Glastonbury and hosting the Radio 1 Breakfast Show.  She can't be any worse than Grimmy.

Hats are so last season.  Pat Phelan's downfall had everything: drama, action, passionate soliloquys in front of a lighthouse, evocative timelapse photography, and Weatherfield Police once again arresting the wrong person for the wrong crime.  Unfortunately I couldn't really give it my full attention because I spent the whole time wondering what the hell that thing on Eileen's head was.  It's a kind of large furry sweatband, and I can't see the point of it at all.  Hats (a) keep your head warm and (b) protect you from the rain; this does neither of those things.  It'll just make you sweat and leave you with an itchy forehead.  I suppose it keeps your hair in place, but Eileen is hardly Jane Seymour; she hasn't got lustrous locks that need to be tamed.  Perhaps I'm just not fashion-forward, but I can't help thinking Eileen would have been a lot warmer on that ice cold Cumbrian waterfront in an ushanka or perhaps a cosy balaclava.

If you have any ideas for other classic characters who deserve to be brought back into the show, please let the author know via Twitter @merseytart.  I've got my fingers crossed for Harry Flagg.

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