Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Beth is extremely fit and active.  She might seem to live an unhealthy lifestyle - all those chips and pints of beer.  But clearly Beth's a secret Paula Radcliffe, running marathon after marathon on the sly.  What other reason could there be for her wandering around in a huge Bacofoil tent?  And pink too; it must have been an especially gay marathon.

Some people never learn from their mistakes.  I know Eva isn't the sharpest nail file in the handbag, but she seems pretty aware of her own physicality.  It therefore stretched credibility that she could be seventeen weeks pregnant and not know it, which is probably why the writers had characters saying things like "it happens more often than you think" and "not everyone gets the symptoms of pregnancy."  What was especially depressing was that, when presented with a real life foetal situation, Eva's immediate solution was "lie about it" and pretend to Adam that the baby was his.  Does she not remember all the convoluted hi-jinks that happened last time she lied about a pregnancy?  Besides, does she not think Adam might get suspicious when it pops out three months ahead of schedule with a little pot belly, singing That's My Goal?

Prisons have changed a lot since Porridge.  Are we sure Anna's really locked up?  Because with the flat pack furniture, laundry service and bathroom built into the corner of the room, it looked like she was in a Travelodge.  There are 2-star B&Bs in Blackpool that would kill for that level of comfort and elegance.  It also seems to have an open door policy on visitors, with Tim, Gary and Eileen all turning up for a chat at a moment's notice - the last one even managing to get a late night after dark visit.  No wonder it was so easy to get a mobile phone; there's probably a small branch of Carphone Warehouse in the lobby.

It pays to advertise.  You're a small transport cafe, but you have a large menu.  How do you get across the multitude of food options?  You put up a large professionally printed board on one wall by the counter, then dot some brightly coloured stickers with the specials around the place.  On top of that...

A handwritten menu on a different wall will underline those options.  It doesn't matter if you haven't got a ruler; just do it freehand and whack it anywhere there's space.  Hang on; what if they miss both those?

Good thinking.  Another handwritten menu by the toilet should snag anyone who's still befuddled.  That leaves just one wall without a menu, so you'll just leave that empty.  No, wait - what if they didn't see the best bits?

That's it.  Even more A4 posters flogging the highlights, plus some adverts for local events to fill the three and a half square inches of wall with nothing on them.  And maybe some stickers urging you to Try Our Scones as well.  That should cover it.  Frankly if they still have no idea what to have after all that they don't deserve a bacon butty.

The My Fair Lady remake will be pretty radical.  Now that Doctor Who is a woman, and we've got gender-switched reboots of Ghostbusters and Ocean's Eleven, Warner Bros have decided to swap the sexes of Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle.  In the new version Liz McDonald will try and turn Tim Metcalfe into a gentleman with her precise elocution lessons.  "The top of the tongue, the teeth and the lips" is just the start; she'll have him doing The Rain In Spain with a book on his head in the cab office next.  Admittedly there will have to be some modifications - the Ascot scenes will be relocated to Aintree on Ladies Day, so you can imagine the low-cut frock Liz will be wearing to that, and the love story has been dropped so as not to incur the wrath of Sally.  Some things won't change - the professor will still have a little camp busybody friend, only this time it'll be played by Norris.  Run to your multiplexes in 2019 to hear Liz shout "I think he's got it - by 'eck, I think he's got it!"

@merseytart is amused that anyone on the show thinks that a Toyah vs. Carla battle is even slightly a fair fight.  #TeamCarla

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