Meet The Candidates

Last night saw the start of the newest series of The Apprentice, Britain's  favourite television demonstration of everything that's wrong with capitalism.  In among the usual parade of deluded imbeciles, sociopaths and fools were a number of familiar faces - or rather, people who looked like familiar Corrie faces.

Selina Waterman-Smith is a dead ringer for our own Bethany Platt, which is unfortunate for Bethany because Selina is 31 and she is a schoolgirl.

Charleine Wain looks like a permanently terrified Erica Holroyd.  She served in the Royal Navy for eleven years, so, unlike Erica, she's a fighter not a lover.

Scott Saunders is a less handsome, less charismatic version of Luke Britton, a sterling lesson in why buying off-brand is often unsatisfactory.

Terrifying stare?  Check.  Borderline psychopathic?  Check.  A+ hair game?  Check.  I wouldn't leave April Jackson alone with a hoover nozzle in case she came over all Kirsty Soames and started beating Lord Sugar with it.

Both Gary Poulton and Robert Preston have the kind of faces that should be attractive: craggy jaws, pouting lips, piercing eyes.  Unfortunately their complete lack of charm means they're as sexy as a box full of calamari that's reached botulism temperatures.

Obviously Brett Butler-Smythe is nowhere as adorable as our own Tim Metcalfe - he is a candidate on The Apprentice - but that high forehead and strong jaw means he could probably fill in on Tim's window route without people noticing a difference.

It's not all about the candidates though, as one of the board has a certain resemblance to Corrie's own butcher Fred Elliott.  Just don't ask Claude Littner how his sausages are, as a punch in the jaw often offends.

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