Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Well you see loveys, I offered to be a surrogate for Katy and Chesney but they said no cos of me Dunhill smoking… and I’ve been through the change an’ all. Terrible time that was. I used to go and see Doctor Carter every day and ask him if he could give me summat. He always refused no matter how many times I lifted me denim skirt.

Where was I?

Oh aye, Katy, Chesney, Owen, Fiz, Gary, Hope, Izzy, Fay(e), baby flamin’ Joseph and Anna - “It’s no problem we’re family - now give me yer baby!” - Windass. Well technically yer not actually family are you lovey? But if it makes you happy!

“Can I borrow a quid Anna love?” I asked.

“Course you can, yer family, Brenda!” she replied.

“I don’t think we are, Anna?”

“But we’ve met haven’t we, Brenda?”

“Yes Anna love,” I said, “we’ve definitely met.”

“And you once had a conversation with our Gary didn’t you?” she asked getting dangerously close to me face and smiling like a deranged woman.

“Erm, yes Anna, love.”

“WELL WE’RE FAMILY THEN!” She lunged at me!

I ran for it; terrified. But she was fast - too fast. She started after me making a makeshift lasso from her pinny and before I knew it I was face down on Viaduct Street and she was on me, twisting me arm up behind me back. I thought it was gonna break loveys!

“I’m nice aren’t I?” she screamed.

“Yes lovey yer nice” I wept!

“It wasn’t me that didn’t want to pay Joe McIntyre when he fitted that perfectly good kitchen that marked the beginning of his downfall and eventual death was it?”

“I think yer gonna break me arm Anna!”

“Was it?!” she shouted.

“No lovey! No! It wasn’t you!”

“I give out good advice to folk don’t I? I say stuff like ‘Aww, you should do that thing that you weren’t gonna do but now you are gonna do cos I told you to and I’m serving you breakfast!’”

“Yer advice is belting Anna! Now please! Yer hurting me!”

“And we’re a family aren’t we; you, me, yer friend Bernice, Mike Baldwin, Chesney and the queen an’ that?”

“And Eddie” I said, trying to join in.

“Who?”

She stood trying to remember who that was while I made me escape. Thank Cliff for that!

What I want to know is, if Ryan’s on cocaine an’ that, what the flamin’ is Michelle on? I mean, it’s so powerful it’s wiped her memory of exactly what Steve did to her when he was getting tutti frutti with Becky behind hers and Ryan's back! Mind you, I think it’s time Michelle swapped Ryan for her real kiddy, Alex especially now Ryan is fandangling with Tracy! Never go to university loveys, it changes you!

I like Marcus’s new boyfriend! Oh loveys, here was me thinking all gay fellas like Doris Day and wearing leather chaps but Aidan has showed me that they CAN like action films an’ all! Oh thank you! I’m better educated now and I know now that I should NEVER judge folk on what their sexual orientation is! He drinks BEER too! I thought there was a law against gay fellas enjoying beer cos they all had to have wine, Malibu and Taboo or a mix of all three but yet again Aidan has broke the flamin’ mold and I thank him for it! THANK YOU!

It’s nice to meet Gloria. She arrived in a cloud of Yardley Lace and was straight down to business, meddling, assaulting and being a right witch – I think I’m gonna get on with her! Gloria and Brenda - like a young Cagney and Lacey!

It’s time to talk about Kirsty…

Oh loveys, she’s a couple of ciggies short of a twenty pack is Kirsty. Like a vending machine pack I suppose - I hate them things, can’t they just sell ‘em from’t behind the bar? Four ciggies short they are! And then what do you get for buying ‘em? You get sent outside in all weathers to smoke ‘em!

Where was I?

Oh aye, Kirsty!

She’s off her head that one! Ty looks frightened for his flamin’ life half the time. He spoke to me last week and he was constantly looking over his shoulder - cos she knows he’s carrying a torch for me after that night I brushed that chewing gum out of his back hair – Cliff knows how it got in there! The only positive thing about Kirsty is that she winds up the gob on legs  - Tina! You don't know what goes on behind closed doors loveys but I can only imagine Tina scowls just as much in private.

Right, I’m off now. I’m hiding me Blue Ribbands in’t cab office now Eileen’s back. She’s not got any better since her return. Still full of herself! Especially for a lass who spends her days sat on a dead woman’s furniture and lives with a fella who prefers to stay in't house where his wife was electrocuted sticking some Freshco cheddar in a toaster than in his own posh semi-detached!

Weirdos!

Remember loveys; life is like a gastric band, it can be restrictive and cause discomfort but ultimately it’s worth it when you consider the alternatives!

I'm on tweeter here: @fatbrenda

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