Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

“If you’ve got a problem with a lass or fella,

Pop in’t back and talk to Stella”

And so say all of us! Stella's helped everyone round these parts. She’s been raising money for them starving kiddies in hot countries an’ that by embarking on a ‘Therapathon’ - where folk sponsor her for therapeutic sessions in the back room of the Rovers - or "Stella's Surgery" as she calls it - so she can give ‘em advice on a number of issues ranging from problems with their marriage to the best way to boil an egg using nowt but a flask of tepid water and a lace hankie. I've even heard rumour she’s going to singlehandedly look for Gail McIntyre’s dad who’s been missing presumed Ted!

The only folk round here who don’t seem to be impressed with Stella’s superhuman ability to understand the inner thoughts and insecurities of us lesser mortals are Peter and Carla! She's onto 'em! I’m not flamin’ surprised though, it’s only a matter of time before their secret is out. I’ve been getting taxis for the pair of ‘em to fandangle with one another for weeks now and I reckon it’s gonna end in tears – Simon’s probably, poor lad. Still, at least if it's all out in't open they won't have to meet in a back passage.

After finding a cancer cure and developing a non-genetically modified way of growing hairy vegetables that will feed the world’s hungry while providing them with warm clothes, Stella is probably gonna buy the Rovers if she can find the money… after she’s run a marathon in aid of blind hamsters and troubled stoats… AND after she’s raised awareness for men’s baldness by shaving her own hair off and re-growing it using the patent hair follicle repairing lotion she created using the distilled tears of joy from orphans she has helped to find homes…

Actually, now I come to think about it, Dev in’t too happy with Stella either. It’s not been going well for the Alahans of late . Sunita has been very down and confided in Stella (well why not? It’s not like she’s a virtual stranger) about her worries. Stella isn’t the only casual acquaintance Sunita has been papping on to about her problems, she’s been telling me about Dev’s inability to satisfy her appetite! Apparently he never cooks enough food to go round and prioritises Aadi and himself over the two lasses (or three when Amber’s round their house for a meal) - sexist!

Maybe Sunita’s part time job at the Rovers will inject a bit of je ne sais flamin’ quoi into their flagging marriage/ relationship (they're not married but Dev still says things like "don't talk to my wife like that!" to Kevin Webster). Maybe Dev and Sunita could do a bit of role-play! He could pretend to be a stressed out small business owner and she could pretend to be a woman who feel like she’s taken for granted and longs for a bit of romance… wait a minute… that’s not actually role-play is it? Oh, forget it!

I tell you what loveys, I don’t know what I was more shocked by, Sally and Frank being an item or Anne’s funeral fascinator! What the flamin’ hell?! Is that all the rage nowadays or summat? I thought fascinators were just for weddings but Frank’s mum looked like a crow had flown onto her head to nest before dying of Silvikrin hair lacquer inhalation! I’ll never be up with these trendy older lasses that shop in M and S and Principles!

Tina has been proved right about Kirsty! But then Kirsty’s been proved right about Tina being an annoying, screeching, troublesome flamin’ aggro merchant so it’s one all! Mind you, I suppose Tina won in the end cos Kirsty got driven out of Tyrone’s house and then drove into the back of Tyrone’s car! She makes Fatal Attraction look like an episode of Chucklevision, that Kirsty!

How can Anna date that Owen (the multiple personality builder) over my Eddie?! Owen cares more about his flamin’ fish than he does owt else! I’ve suggested some flamin’ names for his fish - Like, I’m, Flamin’ and Bothered (Bothered is me favourite fish of all!) He didn't thank me though loveys, he just messed with me pipes until me water works went awry like he does when anyone has a run in with him!

Finally, they were MY flowers that were delivered but I felt sorry for Becky and let her have 'em (for 20 Dunhill)

Right, I'm off. Tweeter me here!

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