Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

Well it looks like Steve has accepted Tracy and poor Amy leaving for London already cos he was out on a date last Friday with one of me friends from Bingo – Beth! She’s a belting lass is Beth and her lovely little lad is an absolute credit to her. He sups down a litre of Coke every flamin’ night and still finds the time to go out and set stuff on fire. Bless him. He’s the three times Weatherfield champion at competitive staring and there’s talk of him going to th’Olypmics and representing his country!

I missed Lloyd and Whatsername’s party cos I’d called in sick due to problems ‘downstairs’ – someone escaped from me cellar – but apparently I didn’t miss much except Chris (Why would you invite a fella that used to beat you up and tried to frame yer fella for a burglary?) storming out and folk dancing around in a confined space while Peter Barlow sipped pineapple juice and Stella stood in’t kitchen staring at Leanne! Sounds like a cracking do!

Nick took a step down the evolutionary ladder and spent the night with Becky – the only woman in the world to make Leanne look like Mother Te-flamin’-resa! She polished Gail’s worktop with her backside and started an early morning fight in the kitchen! Class! It was a short-lived romance though so I’ll await the next Becky meltdown with excitement… the same excitement I feel when I’m waiting for me credit card bill after a trip to Argos!

I’ve been to a few of them Cross Wires meetings recently with some of me transvestite friends and I must say they are a lovely bunch of people. Marc gave a very moving speech (the bits I understood were good anyway) and the wives of some of those fellas are a delight. I mean, I don’t usually like being preached to but they do it so well that it’s a flamin’ pleasure to listen to! Just in case you didn’t know, transvestites are just normal fellas who like to dress in women’s clothes and I thank them for pointing that out cos I would never have worked it out on me own! I always thought they were aliens sent down to Earth from the planet Transvestiter on a mission to buy women's clothes that women wouldn't be seen dead in but thanks to the informative and sensitive lasses at Cross Wires I've been educated!

I like Marcia but I do wish someone would give her a makeover, that wig looks like it belongs on the end of a flamin’ mop and she dresses like someone trying to sneak into an over seventies WI meeting! If I was Audrey the first thing I’d do is take a pair of flamin’ scissors and at least try to do summat with it!

I’ve written a letter to Eddie informing him of Owen and Anna’s blossoming friendship and also to tell him about his Gary cos it seems like nobody else has bothered! I do the same for all the folk round here who’ve moved away that nobody seems to remember, like Martin Platt, I write to him every week and tell him what’s going on with his David and he writes to me and tells me not to write to him any more. I don’t know why I bother!

I know Rosie spends a long time in the bathroom but flamin’ hell, two months is a long time even for her. They must be desperate for a wee at Eileen’s house! I can’t wait to see her again, it’s not often I feel like the brainy one in the room but when I’m with her I feel like Stephen flamin’ Hawking – I sound a bit like him an’ all, must be all the Dunhill I smoke!

Chris has been acting bit strange recently, he’s not taken his top off for ages – summat must be wrong! In fact, he’s not the only one who’s been acting strangely; Amber has come back from university all different and Sunita who hasn’t come back from university is acting all weird and I can’t even keep up with what’s going on with Owen who was horrible and now isn’t unless you damage his van – he reacts worse to that than he does trying to lock his daughter up in a flat. It’s all so confusing!

If you can shed any light on personality transplants and selective amnesia then please tweeter me or leave a comment in the thingy at the bottom of this page yer reading right now on the into-net!

Remember, it's better to have loved and to have lost than to never have not loved nor nothing or summat but it's even better to have eaten two steak dinners in one night with onion rings the size of yer own head!