Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

One question: What the flamin' hell did Janice slip into Trev's drink? I've seen some strange things in me time but Trev and Janice? Beauty and the flamin' Beast more like! I'm a bit annoyed at Janice actually loveys cos she told me if she ever left Weatherfield she 'd give me her fleece with the horses on! It's proper classy is that!

Jim (how about yee) McDonald has returned to the cobbles with his lovely mop of grey hair to try and find a resolution between Steve, Becky and Liz like an Irish Kofi Annan. I'll be honest loveys, I don't think anybody could resolve that situation so they couldn't!

Cheryl's been lording it up over everyone again. This time it's cos her Russ is supposed to be some sort of genius who needs extra lessons to unlock his potential! When I was at school I was always described as 'special' and had to have extra lessons with all the other 'special children'. I didn't tell Cheryl that though, she'd have only been jealous! I remember the teacher saying, 'Brenda, yer a bit special you are. Why don't you spend this lesson sat on yer own in the corridor colouring in a picture of a Roman.' Happiest days of yer life apparently loveys!

Kevin has become suddenly more attractive since winning two hundred grand! Me friend Bernice was right over there telling him she needed a servicing, he didn't take the bait loveys, he just got his log-book out and told her he didn't need to look under the bonnet to see she was a write off! Poor Bernice! I tried to entice him meself by sexily smoking a Dunhill outside his garage but he moved me along muttering summat about health and safety!

Lock up yer daughters (or he will), hide yer hammers and hold onto yer angina spray cos John's back on the cobbles!! Let's hope the first thing he does is stop Fiz speaking in that funny voice she's had since Hope was born. She's starting to remind me of Gail with her fella denial and whispering!

I saw Chesney stealing some furniture out of a skip for his and Katie's flat bless him. If I owned a dog like Schmeichel I wouldn't bother with furniture I'd just sit on him, sleep on him and eat off him! He's flamin' big enough! He's a furry walking multi-purpose transforming furniture wonder! The only thing I wouldn't use him for is a shower loveys... that would be wrong...

Have you ever wondered what a walking orange looks like loveys? I have and I have to say I didn't expect it to be Tommy Duckworth! He's back and he's wearing more fake tan than Tina, David and Katie Price put together. Just seeing him for one minute damaged me retinas and rendered me blind! Tyrone only asked him to stay so he could cut down on the electricity bill by basking in the eerie glow of Tommy's Fake Bake Beyond Bronze Self Tan Spray (£20.42 at Superdrug loveys - it's like liquid Wotsits!)

Tommy has only been here a day and he's upset Kevin and been accused of homophobia by Sophie! She's homophobia mad that one! She accused me once just cos I'd drawn a fake moustache on a picture of Sandi Toksvig in one of me magazines! Touchy or what?!

See you later loveys!

Tweeter me if you want!