Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

There are some things that we can't do owt about loveys - death, taxes and Becky McDonald's bi-monthly breakdowns. "I've ruined yer flamin' life Stevie, you'd all be better off without me." I'm not one to argue loveys cos let's be honest, she has and we would!

I've got Lloyd moaning cos Steve's taken all the money at the cab office, I've got Steve moaning that Lloyd's moaning and then on top of all that I've got Cheryl putting potpourri all over the place so me sinuses are bursting with the stench of sweet flamin' bergamot or summat!

This is the knock-on effect of life with Becky! Things were simple when she worked at Roy's Rolls, she went out, got leathered, had a laugh, shared her ciggies and went off the rails once in a while. What's happened? Where has the Becky we loved gone? She spends more time wringing out a snot and tear stained hankie than she does having a laugh nowadays and that's only gonna get worse now that the runt of the litter, Kylie, has turned up.

So David's big surprise wasn't that Candy was Kylie, no, the big surprise was that Kylie turned up looking browner than Dale Winton's fake tan tester! I barely recognised the lass! Her and David have been doing wonders for the local dieters by putting 'em off their flamin' hot-pots whenever they lock lips! It's gruesome loveys, I half expected Kylie to have whipped out one of David's kidneys (she'd probably try and sell it an' all) with her tongue! It wasn't a kiss it was a tongue driven organ mining operation!

When did Rita turn into a flame-haired Yoda?! She just seems to be shuffling around the cobbles dishing out advice and 'wisdom' to every unfortunate that'll listen, "folk'll still have their memories" she said to Dev who was just trying to remain upbeat after nearly losing everything. And as for her advice to Sophie Webster, well, let's just see if Sophie putting "more faith in folk" will pay off cos I don't reckon it's looking that way loveys!

Weatherfield will soon have it's own version of The Liver Birds (googley it young 'uns) when Janice moves in with Julie! What a barrel of laughs that'll be, Julie punching Janice every time she opens her foghorn when Jeremy Paxman's on the telly and Julie cleaning up Janice's fifteen empty vodka bottles!

Tina is continuing with her unhealthy Xin obsession. WE DON'T CARE LOVEY! (sorry) "She's had that coat since 1897 Graeme." SO WHAT! (sorry again loveys) "What would Ken do?" I'll tell you what Ken would do, Graeme love, he'd walk Eccles round Weatherfield, pop into The Rovers for half a bitter and put off going home cos he lives with Deirdre and Tracy! Let's face it loveys, wouldn't we all? It'd take more than a walk and half a bitter to steady me nerves for a night at the Barlows!

"But we must help her Graeme, let's involve everyone in the plight of this person I've never mentioned before and make it worse by getting her fired from her only source of income by constantly going in the restaurant she works in and distracting her from her job in front of her boss who looks like he's never laughed in his life!" Xin's a trained psychiatric nurse loveys so she must know Tina's losing the flamin' plot and if she doesn't, she shouldn't get a job as one anyway!

The good news is that Dev's is open again so I can now be overcharged for goods without having to travel! You can say what you like about Owen but he was certainly quick finishing the shop considering he downed tools last week! Dev's restocked and he's even on the into-net in his little office and what they've done with the space?! It'd make Doctor Who scratch his head in wonder, it's massive inside innit!

So all in all it's been a bit of a funny week round here, I've enjoyed seeing Eddie in all his finery now that Fay(e) has been coming over and after his win on the horses he gave me £5 and told me treat meself to summat nice from the shops... I got ciggies.

I'm off now loveys so just remember this, life is summat that passes while yer waiting for a bus or queueing in the post office, you just turn around and before you know it yer wearing support tights and drinking cranberry for medicinal reasons and not just so you've got summat to mix with yer vodka so enjoy yer youth and steer clear of Becky and Kylie!

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Bye then.

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