Age ain't nothing but a number. Jack had his last day at primary school this week despite him clearly being about 47. I understand that it's difficult to find a compromise between a child who is the same age as the character and one who is mature enough to cope with the storylines but Kyran Bowes is fifteen years old - a full four years older than Jack. He's closer in age to the actress who plays Kelly than to the girl who plays Hope. No wonder Kevin's having such trouble with him - he's a moody teenager.
I will say that it's probably inadvisable to put Jack with other children who are supposedly his own age. They tried their best with the camera angles but when he was surrounded by baying children he was a clear foot taller than all of them; it was a surprise that he only beat up one of them because he could've clearly taken the rest with one hand behind his back. At least now he's at Wethy High he'll be able to slip in amongst Max and Liam and he won't look quite so much like one of those creepy adults who go back to school undercover because they can't handle being a grown up.
Dress to impress. If you're reading this Harriet Bibby, I want you to know I'm on your side. I support you. And if you want my help finding a solicitor to sue the costume department at ITV Studios, I'm happy to assist. Because clearly someone there hates you. Summer hasn't worn a single outfit since her head change that wasn't in some way hideous. Perhaps she wouldn't have so many body issues if she didn't dress like she'd just been released from a prison in Amish Country.
In Friday's episode Summer - a girl with a good looking boyfriend, an empty flat, and a desire to get losing her virginity out of the way as soon as possible - decided to tempt Aaron while wearing a granny cardigan and trousers. It says a lot about the horniness of teenage boys that Aaron was still well up for it. He promptly cancelled the holiday on her so she could work on her low self esteem. I think he was more embarrassed at being seen on a beach in Barcelona with an 18 year old girl wearing a woollen bathing suit that covered her from head to toe.
It's deja vu all over again. Debbie's money problems continued as she scrabbled around trying to find the money to pay Ed. You know what I'd do Debbie? Not pay him. No, really. He's not actually been awarded any money at all - she's trying to stop him going to court. Well, let him go to court. That'll take months, by which time you might've scraped the cash together, and there's always a chance he'll lose the case. Or perhaps explain the situation to Ronnie - who is, let's not forget, Ed's brother - and maybe he can have a quiet word, and get them to accept instalments, or a lower figure. It does raise the question of how Paul and Ed are going to work for zero money at all while they build Ronnie's houses as apparently they're both immediately desperate for cash the second the work stops coming in.
Debbie has hit upon a totally original and unexpected idea to raise the money: an insurance scam. Wow, we haven't seen that before. Perhaps she could ask Leanne for hints since she burned down Valandro's for the cash. Or perhaps Ryan could give his mum a ring, because Michelle faked a robbery at the bistro back in 2017, and she got away Scot-free. Of course, she is the Exalted Queen of the Universe, and therefore the police wouldn't dream of prosecuting her, but she might have a few hints.
So yes, Ryan's back in the programme, and he's caught up in a dodgy crime. That wasn't really how I wanted him to come back into the show. (Admittedly I mainly wanted him to come back into the show wearing nothing but his pants but you can't have everything). He's desperate for cash ever since his DJ'ing equipment fell into a sinkhole, and his job at Speed Daal disappeared the instant he tried to interfere in Alya's love life. It's making me a bit worried because, to be honest, ever since Michelle and Ali departed Ryan's sort of drifted round the periphery of the show, not really doing anything or having a reason to stick around. Making him commit an armed robbery seems like a handy way to send him to prison or on the run to the Costa del Crime and losing Ryan Prescott and His Lovely Arms would be a shame.
Similarly, Wednesday's episode ended with Stephen striding into the police station, his face filled with rage, saying he wanted to make a statement about the damage to his car. He got a big significant close up as he simmered on the bench in the reception. And then on Friday we learned he'd done...nothing. He'd withdrawn his complaint, wouldn't be pressing charges, and all that fretting Kevin had done was for naught. What a waste of time for us as viewers, and what a cheat. Why not take it further? Blow up the Rovers Friday night, then reveal on Monday that it was actually a virtual reality simulation on Jack's computer? Have Aadi drop dead at the end of one episode, then have him say "lol, not really," at the start of the next one. Simply make up any old nonsense and refuse to follow it through. It might get people tuning back in for a while, but soon they'll learn to stop caring what happens in a cliffhanger, knowing it doesn't really matter. Everything will be fine in the end. He'll get out of the cockadoodie car.
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Life isn't fair. There's a great bit in the film Misery where Kathy Bates loses her mind shouting about the unfairness of those old timey serials. She tells a story about how one ended with a cliffhanger of a car going over a cliff with the hero inside, but in the next episode, the hero rolls free. She stood up and shouted that it wasn't fair, that he didn't get out of the cockadoodie car. I have a great sympathy for Annie Wilkes because fairness is a contract the viewer takes out with the creators of fiction. We'll take on board what you do so long as you don't go crazy and treat us like idiots. You can take us into the realms of the improbable but there still needs to be a thread of respect.
This all struck me when Phill turned up at Fiz's house with a signed annulment in Monday's episode. Friday had ended with him spitting hatred at Fiz and Tyrone, real fury and anger, promising that he'd make their lives a misery, that he'd make them suffer, that he'd never sign the annulment. And then in the very next episode he shows up and says, never mind, here you go, have a nice life. That's cheating. That's a cliffhanger that wasn't paid off right. Either have Phill sign the annulment or not. Don't make us go into the weekend wondering how it'll be resolved and then copping out.
Could Madame Sienna's photoshopper please contact me via Twitter @merseytart? I have way too many aging lines on my face in my photographs and I want them to turn me into Casper the Friendly Ghost.
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