You'll catch your death. Look, I know there's a difference between tough, unshakeable Northerners and soft Southern wusses. I've been out in Liverpool of a winter's evening; I've seen the lads in their tiny t-shirts and girls in hotpants and not much else. None the less, I don't think it's healthy that everyone in Weatherfield has this mad urge to eat outside in February. This week alone, we got Nina eating her lunch in the community gardens, Joseph suggesting a picnic as a day out to his dad, and Jacob romancing Amy with an al fresco dinner on what looked like an abandoned quayside. I know they're teenagers and everything but seriously, Jacob, you couldn't find somewhere with a patio heater that didn't stink of dead fish and vagrant urine?
He did put on a good show though, with candles, music and a really expensive looking picnic basket. It had crockery and silver cutlery; where did he pull that from? Is it left over from his last visit to Royal Ascot? We don't actually know what Railings Boy is doing with his life now he's stopped peddling smack, so maybe he's working in the Trafford Centre branch of John Lewis and he took advantage of his staff discount to impress Amy. I'm pleased he's back - Jack James Ryan is a very appealing actor, and I like that he's stuck "James" in his stage name to stop people asking him if he's found the Red October yet - but I do wish we'd seen something of their courtship. How did they get from Amy spitting insults at him across a hospital car park to star-cross'd lovers within a few weeks? She said he texted her and that's a conversation I would really like to have seen. Sorry I got your cousin involved in the drug trade resulting in his entire family having their lives threatened. Anyway, do you fancy a bit of underbra groping sometime?
The punishment doesn't always fit the crime. Is Tracy Barlow (I refuse to call her McDonald) a bitch? Absolutely. It's why we love her. Did she have to imply Stu was drinking a "meth and tonic"? Absolutely not. (Was it very funny when she did? Yes.) She's very definitely not perfect. But did she deserve to have her Christmas present from her dad snatched off her doorstep and ruined? No, she didn't, and I think it was very unfair of Stu to do so. Don't forget he didn't know Dev was going to conveniently get a case of cheap wine when he half-inched the crate from outside number 1; he was simply on the rob at that point.
As a consequence Tracy's night of sophisticated wine tasting was ruined, although that's possibly fair as she didn't bother inviting Ken to it. Have a bit of gratitude Trace, even if he was tired after spending all day inking apostrophes on the Gazette. It seemed all the wines were basically vinegar in a posh bottle and, speaking as a professional alcoholic, that's still drinkable. Hold your nose while you sup it and it'll be fine. Anyway, I spotted a couple of whites and rosés in there, which Stu presumably couldn't replace with the stuff he got from Dev, so Tracy's evening of sampling wouldn't have been a total write-off.
(What on earth is going on with Deirdre in that photo at the back, by the way?)
One short misunderstanding about "brassieres" later and Stu was getting lathered with Tracy. Steve and Ed, playing their music too loudly and rolling out onto the street shouting about Ted Rogers. I would like to make one request of the producers for my own sanity: no more drunk acting. Please.
Missing: one Battersby. This blog has regularly pleaded for Jane Danson to be given some time off from the show. For about three years, Leanne was in seemingly every episode, careening from one storyline to the next, being forced to cry in close up, never getting so much as a sick day when she turned up with a rotten cold. Finally it appears she's been allowed to have a holiday, as Leanne has barely featured in 2022. And at that
exact moment, the writers have created a storyline where we really need to see her in the programme. Toyah's engaged, and she doesn't seem to have told her sister, the woman she's closest to in the world. She's run round the Street telling everyone else - and who can blame her; if I was engaged to Imran I'd hire the front page of the
Daily Mirror to boast about it - but we've had no lovely happy reaction from Leanne. (And what does Janice think of all this, too?)
You know who else knows all about Toyah and Imran's engagement? Her new best friend Abi, who she suddenly can't stop yammering on at, and Sean, who is awful. Even more so this week. Never have I seen a fifth wheel so obvious and embarrassing as Sean in the bistro, and never has he been more irritating with his drunken parlour games. Remember when Curtis faked a heart attack so he didn't have to talk to Sean any more? The lot of them should've done the same thing, keeled to the floor clutching their chest, in the hope he'd run off to get an ambulance and they could all sneak out the back.
Eight hundred wrongs don't make a right. Quick question: why is Mrs Crawshaw still in place at Wethy High? Because between the upskirting and the date rape drugs at the dance the place is a mess of sexual predation and should probably be put into special measures for the good of its pupils. Detective Daniel was on the case though, joining the dots to deduce that Max was the one responsible for slipping GHB in his niece's drink and immediately running round to number 8 to have it out with him. I know he was in an emotional state but if I were Daniel I would avoid being alone in a house with Max for a very long time now, particularly if I were intending to extract a criminal confession out of him.
Max - who appeared to be wearing one of Noel Edmonds' Telly Addicts jumpers - admitted to what he'd done, but suggested they call it quits because Daniel pushed him down the stairs. (He pushed him down the stairs because Max had broken into his flat and was vandalising it but everyone seems to be ignoring that bit). Daniel agreed and they all decided to not say anything more about it. Meanwhile, Amy is off somewhere wondering if she was deliberately targeted by a would-be rapist and if she'd have died if she hadn't been saved by Jacob and Asha but I guess that's fine because Daniel said she's got a strong character. Handy, that.
It's the end of an era. Wednesday's episodes were quietly significant in the sixty-plus year history of
Coronation Street; they were the last time the show was broadcast in a half hour slot. The programmes next week will be double bills, and after that they'll be shown in a one hour block from 8 o'clock every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I'm not looking forward to the new pattern, and not only because I'm a terrible old stick in the mud who hates change. I've long thought there was too much
Corrie on telly anyway - go back to three episodes, that was a nice way to pass the week and it meant everything was a bit less hysterical - and somehow making all the episodes an hour long makes watching the show more of a commitment. Hour long dramas are big meaty things,
Line of Dutys and
Killing Eves and
Broadchurches. They're not fun little soap operas. Suddenly it feels like I have to make time to watch
Corrie instead of it simply being on. I'm sure nothing will fundamentally change, and everything will carry on much as it did before, but I thought it was important to note. Things really will never be the same again.
If Adam would like to forward on his NSFW photo that shocked Sarah-Lou, I can be contacted via Twitter @merseytart. My DMs are very definitely open.
