Dear The Daily Mail,
If there’s one thing I’ve noticed on't cobbles at the moment, it’s the disproportionate amount of heterosexuals there are. We’re overrun with ‘em! They hang around in gangs – sometimes in public places like the Red Rec, The Rovers or on the bench outside Audrey’s Salon, drinking, smoking and fighting!
I know what yer thinking lovey, ‘Don’t be so narrow-minded Brenda! The straights need to live somewhere an’ all!’ and I know it might seem a bit strange for me to be heterophobic - especially when I’m straight meself - but enough is enough!
I know Manchester is the 'straight capital' of flamin' Europe but let's not forget that there are other folk here an' all and I think they should also be represented.
Local businesses have been infiltrated by this ‘straight agenda’ and it has to flamin’ stop! The Kabin stocks magazines like Zoo, Nuts, Bella and even (I’m afraid to say) People’s Friend – disgusting! They even put them on lower shelves in plain view of kids and that can’t be right. I’ve even heard that quality publications like Attitude Magazine and QX have been removed and replaced by Vogue and Marie Claire – it’s political correctness gone flamin’ mad!
I’ve also seen couples, like David and Kylie, openly kissing in the street and I for one think that’s a step too far! I don’t mind what folk get up to in the privacy of their mum’s homes but to do it in public is just wrong! Maybe if they did it after nine o clock it'd be better all round. Folk can be heterosexual as long as it’s not rammed down me throat and I’m sure one day we’ll all live as equals - maybe even friends - but only if them straight folk keep themselves to themselves and don’t be too public about it all!
You see loveys, when straight folk learn behave themselves like those nice gay couples and stay in loving relationships without having affairs then I’m sure they’ll find the world a lot more forgiving.