I thought that Nasty Norris ("If an immigration officer asks, I'll be telling them the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but!") might come to your rescue, but no such luck. Instead you're now sitting outside the Rovers with a wedding ring glinting on your finger, your wife on your left and your true love T on your right.
"We didn't think this through," you said. Oh, dear sweet lovely Graeme, I don't think you know just how deep you are.