Written by Martin Allen, directed by Duncan Foster
Chesney is talking about buying this van with Fiz and she asks how he’s going to register it, since he’s not old enough to even drive. Ches says that every problem is an opportunity in disguise. Well, unless you’re John Stape – then it only ends in murder and conspiracy. Chesney looks at Stape and says “well, nearly every problem.” Fiz pokes at John and tells him that it’s hard to lead a double life and not be exhausted as he is. John snaps at her that there’s nothing wrong with him. John suggests a holiday to Fiz again, and to come back fresh. Maybe he can run away with Lewis and they can start their own two-man escort service for the elderly?
At Roy’s, John is in there having his coffee and slides the Underworld keys back into the pocket of Hayley’s anorak. John then makes some joke when helping Hayley carry in the rolls delivery that morning about them being “Roy’s Rolls” then bursting out in some crazy delirious laughter. He’s totally nutters!
John goes to the B&B that Colin was staying at and gets hit on by the landlady there. He lies about being from Bristol and only needing one night. She tells him her husband is away on business and leaves him to it. John makes his way upstairs to get into Colin’s room and finds the place a mess. He calls Charlotte to meet him there since he’s got an idea about what to do with Colin’s stuff. The landlady at the B&B lets Charlotte up to see John and doesn’t look too happy to see her. The landlady tells John she’s going out and asks if he hasn’t seen anything of Mr. Fishwick since he hasn’t been around for days. John pretends not to know who that is. Charlotte starts trembling in her boots at the mention of Colin’s name and wonders how he can be so cool. John figures then can burn Colin’s stuff somewhere. It’s as though he’s done this before… Charlotte is completely wracked with guilt about hiding Colin’s death and looks like she’s about to crack.
At Underworld, Hayley tells Fiz how she thought she lost the keys to Underworld, but then found them in her pocket again this morning. Fiz figures she just works too hard. Until that is, Carla comes in and tells her about how she found her John in the renovated Underworld having a gander. This throws Fiz off a bit, then she hears Carla getting angry at Owen for not locking Underworld and Owen states that unless John had a key, he couldn’t have gotten in since it was locked. Alarm bells immediately go off in Fiz’s head. What on earth could John be up to in Underworld? Chesney finds Fiz later and tells her that she can register the van so it’s under her name and he can still have it. Fiz’s head isn’t in the picture and she hastily agrees to this. Ches’ got good timing! Meanwhile, Fiz can’t find John and that’s because he’s out in the forest somewhere burning Colin’s life. Charlotte insists they should have reported his death. At least one of them has a conscience. It’s getting later, and Fiz comes out of the house in her pyjamas on her phone looking for John again, as though she’s lost a puppy. Or a dog! John is with Charlotte ignoring Fiz’s calls. He tries to drop Charlotte off, but she says he can’t leave her alone since she’s dead scared. She insists that he can’t leave her on her own, she’s scared of what she might do. John says he’ll come in for a coffee. Meanwhile, Fiz is back at home crying her eyes out thinking her husbands a cheat (again), but she doesn’t even know the half!
Cheryl is starting her new job at the kebab shop today and Russ wonders if that means they get free food. Cheryl’s in a very stressful mood now that Chris is back hanging around. Lloyd says that maybe he can ease Chris out of the situation. Cheryl thinks Chris is just best left alone. Lloyd can’t help himself and goes over to the building site to tell Owen that he’s got a wife-beater working for him. Chris and Lloyd get into it for a bit, but Owen tells Lloyd that he’s a builder, not a social worker. Chris can’t stay away and goes into the kebab shop where Cheryl works, only to “get a kebab.” Cheryl tells him she doesn’t want him coming in there but he insists he’s only there for a kebab. Lloyd spots Chris in there and goes on in as well. Chris sneakily brings up the fact that he’d like to apologize to Lloyd for the barney they got in earlier. Cheryl, of course, wants to know what he’s talking about and isn’t happy with the situation.
Later, back at Lloyd’s Cheryl and Lloyd argue over Chris. Lloyd wants Chris pushed out, but Cheryl thinks it’s best to let it be. Lloyd apologizes, but Cheryl says she knows he meant well. Lloyd figures that hell is paved with good intentions. Cheryl says that it’s Lloyd that she’s worried about since she doesn’t want Chris hurting Lloyd. Lloyd tells her not to worry about him, but she says she does since who else will look after her? Lloyd says he’ll always be there for her, forever and ever. She asks if he means that and he says every word. Lloyd finally gets what he wants, a snog from Cheryl.
Gail is perusing through Audrey and Lewis’s photos from their mini-break in Greece. She figures they must have had a nice time. Audrey says it couldn’t have been better, everything was better: the people, the song, the food. Audrey facetiously asks Anna if they have black olives in Roy’s Rolls and is offered pickled onions instead. Sometimes Audrey is a hard pill to swallow. Gail asks if they found anywhere they liked the look of and Audrey tells her about this wonderful little “take your breath away” place. Gail wonders if she’s seriously thinking of buying anything. Gail warns them against sinking their money into a bankrupt country, but Lewis reckons that it’s the other way around – you’re to buy when prices are rock-bottom. Gail is pretty horrified to find that her mother is actually seriously considering buying this hotel.
Later in the Rovers, Audrey and Lewis “har-har” on about their friends in Greece. Lewis is more serious, and thinks that Audrey should ring her bank to see if she could raise a secured loan against her house so they could put an offer in on the hotel. Lewis insists that if she really wants the hotel she should grab it before it goes off the market. Later, at Gail’s, Audrey tells her she know she’s not keen, but they put in an offer on that hotel this afternoon and Lewis haggled to get twenty grand off the price. It’s a steal! Quite literally. Gail doesn’t think she should put her house up against the hotel and balks at the amount of the loan she’s taken out against her house – one hundred thousand. Gail insists that Audrey shouldn’t rush into this. Audrey wants to know what she should do – sit and think about it for five years, she could be dead by then!
Sophie and Sian get their sleeping bags in order for the festival. Sophie’s not very good at all this sneaking around stuff. Sally asks what they’re talking about and Sophie mouths “none of your business.” The cheek! Ches sees the two girls off and brags about his new van. They tell him it’s a shame he can’t drive it. He asks where they’re off to, and they tell him Southport to see Sian’s mum. He makes fun of them for living dangerously, so they tell him that they’re really going to a music festival. They make Ches promise not to tell anyone.
- Fiz nicknaming Chesney “Mr. Dragon’s Den”
- Have to give some credit to actor Graeme Hawley, who portrays John Stape. I can’t stand John Stape and think he’s completely nutters but Graeme does a great job!
- First Charlotte, now this B&B lady. What is it with older women on John stape like he’s the hottest thing since sliced bread?
- That pretentious little Audrey, “Do you have black olives?” It’s Roy’s Rolls! Loved Anna’s answer, “We’ve got pickled onions?”