Written by Mark Wadlow and directed by Duncan Foster
Graeme wakes up in the morning to a very UNfamiliar setting: in bed with Tina, after a little late-night rumpy-pumpy. I’m sure he’s fully expecting Tina to wake up with a look of horror on her face, but that’s not what he gets. Despite what he thinks, Tina slept with him because she likes him. Graeme tries to tell Tina that the two of them together would be impossible and that it’s doomed, but she doesn’t care about anything but herself as usual. Tina and Graeme agree: she tells Jason, while he tells David. Somehow, I feel like Graeme got the short end of the stick. Graeme might be scared to tell David, but that doesn’t stop him from thanking god and picking Norris up in a bear hug after he leaves Tina.
Ashley notices that Graeme’s in a good mood at work and figures he must be on drugs, to which Graeme assures him he’s not. David comes in and notices Graeme’s chipper mood as well and asks if he got lucky at the speed dating. Both Ashley and David think that Graeme got lucky, since he never came home. Graeme gets really tense when his mates hassle him and tells David to get out if he’s not buying anything. When David leaves, Graeme tells Ashley about who he spend the night with. Ashley thinks this is all very entertaining, as do I. Graeme leaves the butchers immediately, as he’s got an idea. Uh oh.
At Gail’s, Graeme is waiting behind the stairs with a blanket and as David walks near, he throws the blanket over David’s head and screams. Why he screams, I have no idea. Who knew that chenille could be so threatening. Graeme handcuffs David to the radiator and takes the blanket off his head. Maybe this is what Jack P. Shepherd’s girlfriend should have done? David wants to know what’s going on and Graeme says that he needed him to be restrained when he tells him who he’s seeing. When Graeme tells him that he’s been seeing Tina, David goes crazy-face and Graeme screams like a school girl! Graeme wants David to accept them, and move on. David is frothing at the mouth however. Prisoner David calms down and tries to crack a deal with his captor: dump her, and free me, and there’ll be no more said about it. David says that Tina has destroyed them just like she destroys everything she comes into contact with. Graeme just gets up and leaves David chained to the radiator.
He arrives at Tina’s flat and asks if she spoke to Jason. Tina tells him that Jason wasn’t in, so she was going to go back around later. Graeme tells her about David, but makes it sound a lot rosier than it is. Meanwhile, you could hear the dragging of a radiator against cobbles outside the flat like some kind of horror movie. David finds a rock and throws it up at the flat window breaking the window pane. They look outside to see David with the radiator chained to his arm screaming “traitor! whore!” at them from the street. They come outside and David tries his best (it’s pathetic) to throw the radiator at them but only ends up crushing himself. Jason comes out of the corner shop with a load of cans and asks why David’s handcuffed to a radiator. David, of course, tells Jason why. Jason can hardly believe it, and as Tina stammers that she tried to tell him, but Jason’s mad. Jason is hack-sawing David’s cuffs off, and David thinks that they’d been having their affair for a long time and in Jason’s bed. Jason wants to beat the crap out of Graeme but David’s got a better idea.
Trouble in paradise for Graeme and Tina as Jason accuses her of making a fool of him then says that it’s time he looked out for number one. They get to the flat and realize that Jason changed the locks on it. She freaks out that Jason can’t just evict her. Erm, he couldn’t if you were a tenant paying RENT, which you aren’t. Try squatter’s rights instead, honey. Graeme doubts that “radiator boy” will welcome him back with open arms either. What will this new, newly homeless couple do now?
John tells Fiz not to be so worried after seeing the look on her face in the morning. When HASN’T she had that worried face on every since she met this idiot? Fiz isn’t happy with either of the men in her life at the moment. She’s still not positive about Chesney quitting school in favour or working at the market. Rightfully so, heaven forbid his life turn out as disastrous as her is at this very moment. Chesney tries to tell Fiz about the good parts of his job, but can feel that she thinks he’s throwing his life away. Fiz figures that if Chesney’s making more money than her, it’s only fair that he start paying rent. Oh, the old rent threat, that got me out of the house at 18! Chesney agrees to pay the bills, but he thinks that Fiz is only doing it to get back at him. Fiz says she wants a hundred quid a week and Chesney thinks that’s a lot. Fiz also tells Chesney that he can do all his own shopping, ironing and cleaning. Welcome to the real world. It sucks, don’t it?
Looks like Speed Dating Night really paid off for the Rovers bottom-line, as Liz wants Ciaran to organize some more theme nights to bring in the same kind of business. Ciaran tells this to Michelle who couldn’t give two, since she’s mad at him for kissing some woman at the event night. She calls his events tacky and that all they consist of is him, slappers and booze to which he says “bring it on!” Ciaran can’t let Michelle’s moody little attitude towards him alone, so he tells her he was only trying to inject a little fun into things. Michelle doesn’t know the meaning of fun, someone should have sent him the memo. Michelle confronts him about having his tongue down some lass’s throat and he finally figures she’s jealous. Ciaran says he’d change his shameful ways in a second if she’d go on a date with him (no, he wouldn’t), but she won’t. Wow, doesn’t his charm work wonders? Wouldn’t have worked on me. Maybe.
Lewis stops by the bookies, saying he’s not usually a betting man (b*tch, please) and that he’d be lured in. Deirdre asks after Audrey and Lewis notes the hostility in her voice. Deirdre points out the fact that Audrey isn’t too happy with the Barlows after what Tracy did. Oh, Lewis something tells me Lewis isn’t a man who takes sides. Deirdre pours her heart out to Lewis about Tracy, similar to how Audrey did about Gail early in their “relationship.” Lewis tells Deirdre that he’s an exceptionally good listener. Sheesh, no wonder Lewis gets paid for this, who would want to listen to Deirdre (or even Audrey for that matter) just witter on about their same old problems? Isn’t this what girlfriends are for? Or, empty bottles?
Speaking of empty bottles, Deirdre bumps into Lewis in the Rovers later as they’re both waiting for their significant others to show up. Deirdre offers to buy Lewis a drink after drowning him in her life story earlier that day. Deirdre is still curious as to what Lewis’s last job was that required him to be a good listener. Ken shows up after he left the library because a compulsive cougher stopped him from concentrating. Yeah, that compulsive cougher? That was me, I just wanted your chair. Audrey shows up with her stiff upper lip in tow, and Lewis tries to play peacemaker. Ken offers to invite Audrey and Lewis around for dinner to clear the air. Is he hoping that Deirdre’s cheese straws will do the trick? I dunno, he better get Eddie to bake a cake instead. Audrey and Ken both leave the Rovers, as they have more interesting things to do, and Lewis and Deirdre stay behind: how convenient. Deirdre grills Lewis for what he used to do for a living. He tells her he was a male escort, and that’s how he and Audrey met. Deirdre can hardly believe it, but then remembers the little show they had put on in the Rovers a while back. Deirdre says it’s a pity that he threw in the towel, since it’s her birthday soon and she could have booked him. Audrey wants to know all about his male escorting career.
- Chesney telling John, “You’re Fired!” a la Donald Trump when he tries to support Ches’ market selling. If only it were that easy.
- Ciaran to Michelle: “Liz wants me to come up with some more ideas for theme nights.” Michelle: “’Cept they’ll all be based around the same theme of you, slappers and booze.” Ciaran: “Bring it on!” Haha. What’s Michelle so angry about, she’ll fit right in on those theme nights!
- Graeme picking Norris up in a bear hug in joy after he leaves Tina’s.
- Ashley’s maniacal laugh when Graeme tells him who he spent the night with. Ha-ha…ha-ha…hahahahaha.
- Graeme’s school-girl scream after he tells David that he’s been with Tina and David goes crazy!
- David for telling it like it is about Tina: “She destroyed us, like she destroys everything she comes into contact with.” It almost does seem like she’s only trying to make David mad sometimes. Look who she chooses: Jason (his ex-brother-in-law), Nick (his brother), and now Graeme (his best friend). Are she and Gail going to enter into a lesbian relationship next?
- I laughed so hard at how David couldn’t lift the radiator and almost crushed himself with it. Haha.
- Tina not really caring about Graeme’s concerns for his personal safety once David and Jason get wind of it. Remember this, Graeme. She probably hogs the blanket too.
- I know that Graeme never gets girls and all, but he really shouldn’t have gone after his best friend’s ex-girl. Isn’t that in a guy-code somewhere? I know it’s girl-code. If Graeme’d only left the night before as a “one off” everyone would have been the better for it. I don’t feel SORRY for David, in any way, but still, Graeme should have stayed away from it.
- Tina freaking out that Jason can’t just evict her. Erm, he couldn’t if you were a tenant paying RENT, which you aren’t. Try squatter’s rights instead, honey.
- That caddish, caddish Lewis! I really hope Audrey isn’t falling for his charm anymore!