Tuesday, 18 December 2007

Coronation Street Weekly Update, December 18 2007

Shivering salutations from the frozen tundra of the weekly update office. I forgot to tell the Gas Board I was coming back to work so there’s no heating on and I’m writing the update today wearing a woolly scarf and a bobbly hat, keeping warm from the flickering heat of a Mandle Candle. What’s that dear? Am I really? No, of course not. I’m cosy at home with the wireless on, a huge cup of tea and my feet in a big heated slipper.

I’ll not be here next week because it’s Christmas and I’ll be lying under the tree with a small sweet sherry in my hand. But I will be back soon. Before I get started I’d like to say a huge thank you to all of you who emailed me with lovely messages to welcome back the weekly updates. It was quite overwhelming. Wherever you are and whichever way you celebrate, Merry Christmas to you all. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Audrey’s son Stephen is a welcome delight back on the Street. He’s become close to David and sees something in his nephew that no-one else does – a cheap and keen labour force. Mind you, I’d be a bit suspicious if my estranged uncle made me an offer I couldn’t refuse – and in Italy too. Who knows what Stephen’s been up to for the last 10 years? Was he really in Canada or was it Cosa Nostra? What’s really behind his offer of the Italian job? Will David leave his family for the Family? Is Stephen the Boss? Will David start spouting Mafia-speak, telling his new Italian mates: “I want the spaghetti hoops-a, just like my mama used to make.” So many questions, and if you ask me, not enough answers. This doesn’t deter David, who packs his clothes and starts planning his new life. Sarah’s not best pleased and threatens David that she’s going to spoil his plan of a life in the sun as she wants a pizza the action herself. And I wouldn’t put it pasta.

Over in the Rovers, Jim and his old mucker Bill have a drink at the bar. Liz gets nervous when she sees Jim walk in and then starts quaking in her boots when some rowdy lads kick off and a drink gets spilt down Jim’s back.The locals stand back and wait for the explosion. Liz has her dialling finger on the phone ready to press three nines in succession and call for the cops. The drums roll, the tension mounts, the volcano inside ex-con Jim simmers… and ffffttt… nothing happened. Jim has clearly been exchanged for a non-violent double. He told the lad there was no problem, he told Elizabeth he was a changed man, so he was, after the anger management classes in the big house. Liz is astounded with the change in Jim’s behaviour and can’t believe the calmness he exudes. I can’t even believe I’m writing this about Jim McDonald too but I saw it with me own eyes so I know it to be true. After hours in the pub, Liz tells Jim that she’s sorry she doubted him and the two of them warm to each other in the glow of the optics. Just as they’re getting cosy, in walks Vernon who gets paranoid and jealous, but he’s the one who gets to take Liz up the apples and pears to Bedfordshire. Outside on the Street, jailbird Jim saw the light as he passed by her window and caught the flickering shadows of love on her blind. Liz was his woman and as she deceived him he watched and went out of his mind. Oh aye, aye, aye, Elizabeth.

Now then, when Violet’s sister Lauren turned up on the Street a couple of weeks ago I thought she had potential. She stepped out of the cab, looked at herself in her little mirror, smacked her lips together and declared herself: “Fabulous!”. Wahey, I thought, this ‘un looks good. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe she just isn’t getting the dialogue she was handed by the fab Corrie writer Jonathan Harvey in her first episode but Lauren’s losing my interest already, which is rather sad. She moved in with the domestic goddess that is Eileen this week as Violet and Jamie moved into Michelle and Ryan’s old flat. Lauren and Eileen could work well together, we’ll have to wait and see for now.

The new bookies continued to ease their way into their new life. Dad Harry shows potential, he’s trying to extricate himself from his third wife, a harridan of a woman who is after Harry’s cash. We’ve only ever heard her referred to and have seen Harry on the phone to her but by ‘eck, I hope she turns up and gives him what for. She’s one of the best characters we’ve never seen on Corrie, second only to Fat Brenda from Levenshulme of course. Son Dan is a bit less likable, for this fan anyroad, and tried most of the week to get off with Mel Morton’s lady policeman friend Abi. After trying to chat her up all week, he finally got her back to his flat only to find Harry had moved in and Abi walked out. It’s a fair cop.

However, Dan looked in danger of forming a relationship with another of the Street’s women in the form of Blanche Hunt. Well, she’s no stranger to the odd gamble now and then and even stole all the pens from the bookies shop too.

Meanwhile, John took Rosie on a romantic date this week. Ha, just fooling you. They had a lay in a lay-by in John’s knackered old car. Rosie told John she wanted him all to herself over the school holidays at Christmas, but this didn’t fill John with Christmas cheer. The showdown to this story comes out next week on Christmas Day when there’s frillies thrown around at the Websters’ Christmas dinner. I can’t wait to see it unfold.

Elsewhere this week, Michelle met Ryan’s stalker and he told her that his son Alex was swapped at birth with Ryan. The swap story shocker proves too much for Michelle and she spent much of the week in tears.

Her streak-free mascara deserves an update of its own.

And finally this week, Liam wasn’t happy when Catalogue Tony sent the Underworld girls off on a paid half-day holiday and closed the factory down. As you can imagine, the factory girls reckon that Catalogue Tony is second only to James Blunt in their top ten of best men.

And that’s just about that for this week. Merry Christmas!
Blogging away merrily at Flaming Nora

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Coronation Street Weekly Update, December 11 2007

Greetings and welcome to the return of the weekly updates. I’d like to say the updates are coming at you all new, revised and shiny but they’re not, it’s the same old, same old and for that, I hope you’re as happy as I. This first of the new batch of updates is dedicated to a lovely lady called Marian Franklin.

And so, it’s with a big smile and a happy heart, in an event more exciting than the Spice Girls reunion, that I can proudly say, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

How good is it having big Jim back on the Street? It’s the same old Jim, with the same old catchphrases and with nothing better to do, a game of Jim Bingo goes down a treat. All you have to do is get your Jim bingo card and cross off a square every time the big man reels off one of his famous phrases in his beautiful Belfast accent.

After ‘catch yurself orn’ and ‘It’s good to be back, aye, so it is’ and double points every time he refers to prison as ‘the big house’ or calls his ex-wife by her Sunday name of Elizabeth, then you could be a winner - but you have to shout ‘Big House!’ to win. Having Jim back is a breath of fresh Northern Ireland air - or ‘norn iron’ as Jim would have said.

But what’s he doing sniffing around the Street? He’s come back to see his family but found out from Steve that Liz was engaged to feckless Vern. Will Jim lose that famous temper? Will he start another fight? And how long can it be before he asks for his favourite breakfast, the Ulster fry? “Yer lookin’ luvly, Elizabeth,” he told Liz when he bumped into his ex-missus on the Street. Four small words and none of them bad but all of them sent Liz rushing into the pub in panic, gasping for a fag to calm her nerves. It’s great to have Jim back, aye, so it is, even if it means that with him now working at Streetcars there’s even less chance of us seeing Fat Brenda on the switch. Best scene of the week was Jim in the Streetcars office making paper chain decorations with Eileen.

Over at Underworld, Kirk donned his suit with a mismatched tie to have a word with Liam about their Maria. He tried to give Liam some fatherly advice which didn’t really work but Liam got the message that if he messed with Maria, he’d have Kirk to deal with. Best think on, Liam. Catty Carla broke Maria’s baby news to the factory girls and so everyone knows that Maria’s in the pudding club, up the duff and with child. Wiki of Weatherfield once again hinted that she’s got history (it’s bound to catch up with her, these things always do) when she hinted at lady love in her past and tormented some tinsel at the factory.

New bookies Harry and Dan – Harry’s on the left, Dan’s on the right, just like Ant and Dec – clamped Lloyd’s car and threatened him to pay up his gambling debt. “I paid Stan!” Lloyd kept telling the Mason dad and lad. “Who the devil’s Stan?” I kept asking anyone who’d listen as another Corrie storyline took wings and – whoosh - flew out the window. Lloyd paid up his debts and Harry and Dan, new bookies of the parish, smirked in the snug.

David had another go at ruining Sarah's marriage this week. He sent saucy texts from Becky’s phone to Jason and from Jason’s phone to Becky. But it all fell wonderfully apart when Sarah demanded that Jason ring Becky to ask her what she was up to – and her phone started ringing from David’s pocket in the salon. Jason tried to throttle David at the backwash and, and then Sarah had a go too. And all in Audrey’s nicely decorated new salon complete with new paint, wallpaper and a set of French doors that were never there before.

The Duckies weren’t best pleased this week when Paul came clean about taking out a loan in granddad Jack’s name. Jack should have thumped him, or at least thrown him out. Instead, he covered for Paul by telling Vera that the equity from their house had been invested in the Italian restaurant in the precinct. Vera was heartbroken, her dreams of retiring to a bungalow in Blackpool were shattered. “You’re cut from the same cloth as your father,” griped Jack to Paul. Wouldn't that make Paul a Terry-cloth?

Ryan and the stalker story rumbled on with Michelle getting her tiny, shiny head in a tizz. I’m not really enjoying this story so in an effort to make it more interesting, I’ll make something up. The strange man in the blue car turned out to be the footballer Teddy Sheringham. Well, when Teddy realised he was in an episode of his favourite soap opera, he decided to quit football and join the bookies Harry and Dan as their door man and general ne’er do well, Teddy the Treble. Ah well, we can live in hope. In truth, or as truthful as a soap will ever be, the stalker in the blue car reckons he’s Ryan’s real dad and that Ryan was swapped at birth. That happened to me too. My mum tried to swap me at birth for a couple of hospital chairs but the matron wasn't keen. Shame really.

Over at the Platts, uncle Stephen arrived from Canada to spend Christmas with his dysfunctional family. Now then, before ten thousand Canadians write to me to tell me that Stephen’s accent is atrocious and that he’s American, not Canadian, I know this already. But it’s Christmas so let’s have a bit of hush and pretend. Stephen’s taken with David and there’s a friendship developing between uncle and nephew while ladies of a certain age breathed a sigh of relief that there’s some man eye-candy on the cobbles again.

And finally this week, Maria moved in with Liam, carrying her boxes filled with, oh, I’d imagine, ‘Hair-do’ magazines, and James Blunt CDs.

And that’s just about that for this week.

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